Hand Full of Dust
by FaithinBones
Summary: The Lauren Eames case (The Doctor in the Photo) has a profound effect on Brennan and Booth fears for her safety.
1. Chapter 1

Casket4mytears prompt: Here's one, inspired by my introducing a friend to the show and rewatching DITP again for the bazillionth time: many fics have played the "what if?" game with the episode. What if Brennan was hit by the car? What if Booth doesn't make it? What if he takes her up on her request for a chance? Even I went there. But I don't believe anyone's done quite this take: what if, spurred on by worry over her mental state (say, after the incident in Booth's office where Brennan admits she hasn't slept in days), Booth wants her to know how she is different from Lauren Eames? Specifically, that she is loved even now, and would be missed by him in a heartbeat?

I don't own Bones, shocking I know.

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He'd watched her slowly fall apart and he'd become frightened for her. He'd tried to tell himself that she was tired. She'd been working too hard; but, he saw it in her face. The fear. God the fear.

He'd tried to talk to her; but, she'd told him she was just tired, she hadn't slept in days. He knew she hadn't heard him and he needed her to hear him. He was afraid for her and for him.

Entering her office, he quietly shut the door behind him and walked over towards her desk. Sitting down across from her, Booth tried to smile, failing miserably, "Bones, I was wondering if I could talk to you."

Looking up from her report, Brennan nodded her head, her face a picture of sadness, the dark circles under he eyes emphasizing a look that could only be described as defeat.

Booth, his chest feeling tight, trying to control the emotions that threatened to flood through his system, swallowed, "Bones, for some reason, you're associating too much with Lauren Eames. I don't know how; but, I'm afraid I know why. I need . . . You need to listen to me. Will you do that?"

Slowly nodding her head, Brennan leaned back in her chair and placed her hands on the arms of her chair.

Staring intently at Brennan, Booth stated emphatically, "You aren't Lauren Eames, Bones. You aren't. I see the . . . . You're worried that you're the same and you aren't. She was alone in this world, Bones. You are not alone. You have a lot of friends and we all love you. We see you Bones. We know you're here. Don't think for one minute that you could leave us and no one would notice because we would notice. God, I'd notice. Do you understand what I'm trying to tell you?"

Shaking her head, Brennan replied, "But I am alone. I had a chance once to accept someone in to my life; but, I refused to take that chance. You know that. I chose to be alone and now I understand what that means. It means that when I die, no one will notice. I'm here right now; but, in the end, what will it matter? No one will remember me when I'm gone. I've let my fears of letting other people get too close to me isolate me from everyone in this world. Now it's too late. You're with Hannah and . . . You're with Hannah."

Fighting to keep the tears in his eyes from falling, Booth shook his head, "No Bones. You've got that so wrong. You aren't alone. You aren't Lauren Eames. You have a father and a brother who love you. You have friends, Hodgins, Angela and Sweets. You've got me. You. . . You have me. I'm your best friend and you're scaring the hell out of me. You're fading away before my eyes and I'm afraid I can't stop it. Don't you see? Don't you understand? You are not Lauren Eames. You're so much more than her. A hell of a lot more."

Shaking her head, Brennan remarked, "She wouldn't allow herself to feel. She put up walls to keep out emotion and human entanglements. I do that you know. I have walls that are just as high as hers were. I keep myself from loving people because I'm afraid to get hurt and yet all I feel is pain. I'm so alone and it's all my fault. . . I could have said yes to you outside the Hoover. Just one word, one little word. All I had to do was say yes and I couldn't do it. I made you look for love from someone else because I couldn't allow myself to feel anything. I'm alone Booth. You're with Hannah and that part of my life is done."

Horrified at the deep depression he was hearing in his partner's voice, the defeated look in her eyes, Booth stood up and walked around the desk. Leaning over, Booth pulled Brennan up and placed his arms around her. "Bones, it's never too late. I love you. I loved you that night outside the Hoover and I love you now. It's not too late. I've made a mess of things by letting Hannah move in with me; but, I swear, I can fix that. I'm so afraid for you Bones. I don't know what's going on in that genius brain of yours; but, I need to . . . I need you to understand that you aren't alone. You aren't."

Shaking her head slowly, Brennan asked, "But you have Hannah and I am alone."

Frightened that he might not be getting through to her, Booth exclaimed, "Quit saying that. I know I told you I love Hannah and I do; but, not as much as I love you." Hugging her tightly against his chest, Booth started to feel his tears start to fall, "Bones, I love you so much and if anything were to ever happen to you, I'd die. Do you understand me? Do you? You can't just leave this world and expect me to accept that; so, don't even think that. I need you Bones. Alright? I need you and the thought of you just giving up and just leaving me would be too much. It would kill me if anything happened to you. It would."

Feeling the tears on Booth's face falling onto her face, Brennan pulled back a little and looked at the bleak look in her partners face. "

"Don't cry, Booth. I didn't mean to make you cry. I . . . Lately, I've been so alone. I see my life and think about what it would be like if I wasn't so afraid all of the time. I've been afraid since I was fifteen years old. Love walked away from me and I never . . . . I've been alone for twenty years, Booth. I've been alone since I was fifteen and in all that time I've been too afraid to allow anyone to get near me, to let them inside my walls. I've tried to keep everyone at arms length to protect myself from being hurt; but, I am hurt Booth. I hurt more than you know."

Booth swallowed, trying to regain control of his emotions, "Bones, you may not realize it; but, you have let others inside your walls. Angela loves you like a sister. I know Sweets loves you and Hodgins, that guy would do anything for you. They are all your friends and they love you so much. Someone as cold and unfeeling as you claim to be, you'd never have friends like that if that were true. You aren't . . . You feel, Bones. You feel and you tell yourself that you don't but I know you do. We all know you do. You're special Bones. You're one of those people who captures loyalty. Your friends aren't just your friends. They're more than that. They love you and consider you part of their family. They are so loyal to you and when you leave this world they're going to know that you're gone. They're going to mourn for you because they will miss you. And then there's me."

Watching Booth's face, Brennan saw a look of adoration cross his face, "Me, Bones, I couldn't live in a world that didn't have you in it. You mean more to me than almost anyone else in this world. Between you and Parker, I have everything Bones. If you and Parker were suddenly to leave me then I wouldn't have anything left. I need you Bones. I need you and I want you. Are you hearing what I'm saying to you? Do you understand what I'm trying to tell you?"

Slowly nodding her head, Brennan stared intently at Booth, "I think I do. You know I'm here. You'd know it if I left."

Staring into her watery blue eyes, Booth pulled her against him and placed his forehead on her neck, "Bones, you have to promise me that you won't leave before me. You know what I'm trying to say. You have to stay here, in this world, in my world. You can't leave before I do; so, you have to be strong. You have to stay. . . . I'm going to talk to Hannah. I'm going to tell her that I can't be with her anymore. I never should have . . . I'm going to fix this mess and when I do, I'm going to show you just how important you are to me. I'm going to show you how much I want you, how much I need you. I don't want to hear you say ever again that if you disappear no one will notice because I'm going to prove to you just how wrong you are. Will you give me that chance, Bones? Will you let me inside your wall? Will you love me like I love you?"

Holding Booth tightly, afraid to release him, she felt a burden leave her soul, "I will give you a chance Booth. I will let you inside my wall. I do love you, Booth."

Sighing deeply, Booth murmured in Brennan's ear, "I love you Bones. I'm going to prove to you that I love you. From now on, you aren't going to doubt that for a minute. Not one minute."

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"**i will show you fear in a handful of dust." t.s. eliot - "We don't actually fear death, we fear that no one will notice our absence, that we will disappear without a trace." **

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I hope this is what you wanted. Let me know if you liked this story or not. Thanks.


	2. Chapter 2

There were a lot of requests to do at least one more chapter. I thought about it and this is what I came up with. Consider it a bonus for today. I don't normally post three stories in one day; but, I do once in awhile and today is one of those days.

I received a lot of reviews for this story and they were very inspirational.

I don't own Bones.

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Staring at the pictures in his photo album, Booth flipped through the pages watching time march through his book. He watched his son grow before his eyes, his grandmother and grandfather grow older and then his grandmother disappear. He glanced at the pictures of the women who had moved in and out of his life, never making a final connection with any of them. He found photos of friends some of them no longer among the living that'd paid the ultimate price serving their country. Lingering over these photos, Booth felt sad that these men would never get married, never have children and never grow old surrounded by their love ones. They'd been so young and it broke his heart to think of them dying before they had a chance to really enjoy life.

Hannah entering the apartment was surprised to find Booth sitting at the kitchen table with his photo album. Sighing, she walked over to the table and sat down, "I wish you wouldn't look at that album so much, all it does is depress you."

Looking up, Booth frowned, "These are photos of my family and friends Hannah. I have no intention of forgetting who they are and what they mean to me."

Irritated, Hannah shook her head, "I didn't say you had to forget them Seeley. I'm just saying that photo album depresses you and you end up in a funk for days after you've looked at it. Don't forget them just don't let them allow you to forget to live your life."

Grimacing, Booth responded, "No one is forgetting to live their life, Hannah. It's not right to forget your past friends because they don't . . . Never mind. Look, we need to talk."

The tone of Booth's voice putting her on edge, Hannah replied, "About what?"

Clearing his throat, Booth stared at a picture he had of Brennan at a banquet they had attended the previous year that had been held in her honor. Not looking up, Booth replied, "I made a mistake Hannah. I made a really big mistake and I need to fix it."

Puzzled, Hannah asked, "What mistake?"

Looking up, Booth sighed, "This is going to sound cold; but, I don't know of another way to say this that won't . . . When I met you, I was very lonely. I was having a lot of personal problems and I didn't know what to do with myself. I'd tried to have a relationship with someone I really loved and she didn't want to have one with me. I took that really hard. I continued to be friends with her; but, then . . . well we parted ways for awhile and I found myself all alone. I thought I loved you Hannah, I really did; but, in the last few days I've come to realize that I don't. I'm in love with someone else and I can't continue to live with you. It wouldn't be right. I can't continue to have a relationship with you, not when I'm in love with someone else. It wouldn't be fair to you and it wouldn't be fair to the woman I love. Do you understand?"

Shaking her head, Hannah sighed, "Seeley, how do you know you love this woman and not me? It seems to me you're like a bee flitting from flower to flower. Each new flower you find you love and then you move to the next flower and you love that one. How do you know you still don't love the old flower?"

Staring at Hannah, Booth finally responded, "Hey, I am not some lothario. I'm trying to have a serious conversation with you. I'm telling you that I made a mistake and I don't love you at least not like I thought I did. I don't want to live with you anymore. I'm in love with someone else."

Smiling, Hannah replied, "I think I know you Seeley. You're a romantic. Your head is always in the clouds when it comes to women. You just think you're in love with this new woman. If you think about it, we're made for each other. You don't need to go looking for anyone else. Just give it a week or two and you'll see that I'm right."

Sighing, Booth shook his head, "Hannah, I'm serious. I mean what I say. This isn't an infatuation. I really am in love. I've been in love with her for a long time. It's taken us this long to be on the same page. You have to move out Hannah. What we have isn't real love. It's not what I need or want. I'm not asking you to move out, I'm telling you to."

At the end of her patience, Hannah replied, "So, I don't get to fight for you? I will you know. We're great together. You love me and I love you. Just let me show you."

Closing his photo album, Booth stood up. "I don't want you to fight for me. There isn't anything to fight for. I made a mistake and I'm sorry. . . I'll help you pack your things."

Crossing her arms, Hannah exclaimed. "You're a fool, Seeley. You're a damn fool."

Nodding his head, Booth replied, "Yes, I know."

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Arriving at Brennan's apartment, Booth held his left hand behind his back. Knocking on the door, Booth stood up straight and waited.

Brennan opening the door smiled, "I didn't expect to see you again until tomorrow."

Smiling, Booth asked, "Can I come in?"

Stepping back, Brennan replied, "Yes, of course."

Entering the apartment, he pulled his left arm from behind his back and handed Brennan a dozen daffodils with a few daisy's mixed in.

Smiling, Brennan asked, "These are for me?"

Nodding his head, Booth replied, "Did you know that flowers have meaning? Daffodils speak of affection and daisys stand for loyal love." Removing a Forget-me-not from his belt he handed it to her, "And this means true love."

Taking the Forget-me-not into her hand, Brennan held it to her nose and inhaled. Smiling, Brennan replied, "Thank you, I didn't realize that you could use flowers as a language."

Nodding his head, Booth replied, "My grandmother loved Jasmine and she once told me that it meant eternal love."

Walking to the kitchen to get a vase, Brennan heard Booth follow her. Standing in the doorway, leaning against the frame, Booth licked his lips, "Hannah's gone. I want you to know that she's not living with me anymore. I . . . since you've had to time to think about it . . . are we still. . . "

Hearing Booth's uncertainty, Brennan placed the flowers on the counter and stepped over to where he was standing. Placing her arms around Booth, she looked into his soft brown eyes, "Booth, I love you."

Smiling, Booth leaned down and kissed her, "I love you Bones. Thanks for giving us a chance, giving me a chance. I want to make you happy."

Shaking her head, Brennan responded, "I am happy Booth. I'm very happy."

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Let me know if you liked this chapter. Thanks.


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